Checked Out

**A 1982 photo of me and my best friend, Grandpa Siroski.**

After you book a trip, and it comes time to go to the airport, you have to begin by checking in. The details of your flight itinerary and baggage are confirmed and the check-in process is completed. You go through security, find your gate, sit down and wait until your designated plane is prepared and boarding begins.

In your indicated seat, you become fully aware that you will soon depart and your trip will commence. For many, a trip is a highly anticipated excursion and you're now looking forward to reaching the final destination. As a traveler, you are fully checked in and present. Let the excitement begin!

But what if your circumstances change and the predicament you're checking into is brutal and heart wrenching? The photo I chose for this post shows happiness and contentment. I'm standing beside my best friend, the center of my universe.

The picture taken was also mere years prior to my grandfather's death from cancer. His death broke me. It turned my world upside down and I couldn't deal with it so I checked out. As adults, my sister has told me that I never cried at his funeral. She couldn't understand why I didn't because of my close relationship with him. I had no recollection of that heart wrenching day.

I think I kept myself from crying and grieving so that I wouldn't lose my mind and never recover. However, because I checked out during that time in my life, it has taken me decades to fully grieve his passing and it was far more difficult than if I had only allowed myself to feel whatever needed to be felt back then.

Be that as it may, there is no set timeline for grieving nor is there any correct way to grieve. The danger lies in checking out, isolation, and disconnecting from others, especially those who love you. Not only does grieving need to happen, but mourning also. While grieving may be a singular action - a song plays reminding you of the person, a smell makes you sob uncontrollably because that's how they used to smell - mourning is a communal action.

It brings you into the proximity of another person to whom you can grieve publicly. That sounds uncomfortable. However, if you have someone who allows you to go through the rainbow of emotions that happen when you lose a beloved one, that's when you're checked back in and possess the ability to express yourself freely.

Be heart broken. Have an ugly cry. Be mad. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, out loud, and until the pain isn't as drowning or overwhelming. Let it out. When I'm saddened by loss, I'm thankful that the Bible speaks to the importance of loss. In a book called Ecclesiastes it says that there is, "...a time to mourn and a time to dance..." (Chapter 3, Verse 4b). It assigns a season to mourning. This process is a natural time in our lives, as unfortunate as it is when it happens.

As a Christian woman, I have found benefit in weeping and mourning, especially during times of loss. We were created to be feeling beings. We weren't meant to be isolated or checked out from life's pain. Allow yourself to mourn for this season then let life move you forward. It doesn't mean you're discounting the passing of your loved one. It means you're allowing yourself to be you, the you that God intended you to be.

Encouragement for the week:

Beloved, it's okay to cry and feel all that's in you during this time of pain and loss. Expressing deep emotion is a part of who you were created to be.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know that God didn't create you to be one dimensional. Allow yourself to feel and live life forward as you grieve. Continue to trust that God can and will get you through it all.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. Don't be afraid to feel during times of loss - it is a part of life. A relationship with Jesus will enable you to live life in the midst of unbearable pain. Jesus is the way to peace in loss. You can trust Him when you ask Him to come into your heart and help you navigate life.

Who's That Girl?

**Photo of me on a 1978 fishing trip with my grandparents**

Daddy's little girl, grandpa's favorite grandchild, Mommy's eager helper, and an older sister's worst nightmare. These were just some of the titles I accumulated over the young years of my life. Include the picture above and you could add adventurous boater and fisherman.

Driving my grandfather's boat for the first time was both exciting and terrifying. I wanted to go on a tear but also make my grandpa proud. He didn't let just anyone captain his vessel. Needless to say, that was a monumental day for me and I caught a big jack fish too.

Nowadays, a lot of our young girls define who they are through the lens of others and social media. Much of what streams to their eyes and ears are that they don't cut it according to the superficial expectations that movies, songs, and TV portray.

That they fall short in one or more areas that society, and even 'friends' state is required to 'fit in'. May I just say, that's total junk and completely unrealistic. I fought that while growing up and it resulted in devastating results.

Like crushed self-esteem, depression, self-hatred, and a suicide attempt. While I lived to move beyond my harsh younger years, many young women didn't. The pressure was too much. The nonacceptance too scathing. Young, beautiful lives lost. Forever.

Let's do away with the insults and judgments. Instead, let us be people who celebrate our unique differences that were given to us by God when He, so carefully, wove us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13).

May we embrace, not attack. May we move beyond the superficial standards that the world has felt necessary to impose and love our sisters for the beautiful creations they are. Let's shock the shallow world with what we can do, just as Jesus did without hesitation.

Don't be afraid to be who you are. You are unique for a reason. Only you can do what needs to be done within the world to make it a better place. Be strong and courageous and don't bow down to the world's pressure. Make them ask, "Who's that girl?"

Encouragement for the week:

Sweet girl, there is no one as beautiful and unique as you. Never allow anyone to diminish the radiance your heavenly Father, painstakingly, formed.

If you are a Christian reading this, your power to shine lies within the intricacy your Father had great love to build you with. Be strong enough in Him to embrace your uniqueness and help others to realize theirs.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. God made you. Yes, He did. And He did it through incredible detail with tremendous love. The world will not celebrate your full potential. Only a relationship with Christ can. You can trust Him.

Let's Be Clear

**A picture of me at the age of seven 

with my friends and sister.**

Being young and impressionable has its merits. As a youngster, I was easily impressed by the things my parents and grandparents did, only because I didn't carry the size or strength to pull off the task.

I was also easily moved by the things my friends and sister did. I would follow the patterns and behaviors I saw whether they were fitting for me or not. I'm sure there may have been an innate knowledge that some of the things I was copying, weren't always beneficial.

What ever the case, my individualism may wasn't as obvious in my younger years as it is now. Being able to think for myself wasn't as imperative as a young girl.  Mimicking everyone else and being in the accepted crowd was far more essential.

Compromise was a far reaching taboo for this awkward lass. Instead, I walked a fine line between nice and naughty in an effort to ensure a certain cute and innocent profile, even though the rebel inside teetered on the edge of mayhem.

What can I say? I didn't exactly put my choices under a microscope before making them at that age. None of us did. We just wanted to have fun. That's what childhood was all about.

Pushing the limits, fighting to fit in, gaining acceptance from our peers, and standing out in a crowd were our life goals. Nothing else really mattered.

Looking at my life today, as a Christian woman, I have a completely different thought process. It's more about becoming the right person, being compassionate, and staying true to my beliefs and convictions. No compromise allowed.

No, that doesn't mean forming legalistic ideologies. It's quite the opposite. It's about sharing a meaningful relationship with God and living by specific and inalienable principles because they keep me free from physical, emotional and mental harm.

And because of that, they keep me in a caring, compassionate and empathetic posture around others. They allow me to be real and vulnerable while keeping me true to the values and beliefs I will, unequivocally, hold to. No matter what.

In this world, and for the sake of my own sanity, I must hold fast to the things that convict me, because that's the only way I will become the woman God created me to be. And I have to say, that's far more important than anything else the world could possibly offer.

Encouragement for the week:

Sweet girl, don't compromise your heart, mind, or body to fit in to the masses that pressure you. An uncompromising spirit will take you further in ways you never thought possible.

If you are a Christian reading this, God created you to be unwavering in your faith and to be true to your convictions. Continue to look to the Lord for the strength to go against the majority.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. He sees the pain you suffer when you compromise yourself. He longs to protect you from that. Entering into a relationship with Jesus will enable you to stay true to who you are.

Does It Matter?

Growing up in a small town, as I did, afforded our family many benefits. It wasn't just about our family, but a larger family co-existing in the sleepy hamlet. It meant being able to roam and explore with confidence. Where everyone knew each other and each child had others watching out for them - which didn't always work to our favor. Our parents knew we were causing trouble before we ever reached the front door for dinner.

Relationships among neighbors were close, trusting, and rewarding. At any given time, we could walk to a neighbor's house to play or enjoy cookies. I remember walking to the post office that also served as the postal worker's home. She was a pleasant, friendly lady who enjoyed serving. We would chat before I collected the mail and walked back home.

When it came to birthday celebrations, it was common for my parents to bring out a car full of my friends, making it a weekend event. Having my birthday land in the middle of summer, there was badminton, popsicles and other outdoor fun, abound.

As a teenager, I became a trusted sitter for the neighbor kids whose parents could go out knowing their children were in good hands. Great good resided in living the small town life back then where life was simpler. You took time to listen to the stories of your neighbors. There was intentional relationship building in a time of slowed paces. It was comfortable and free without much fighting or disagreement.

We were all created for relationship by God. We each have an innate need for interaction and human connection for that reason. Nowadays, many think that the most meaningful connection is found through the portal of social media. But it's actually tearing us apart, making us incapable of having the simplest of conversations and making new friends.

The other day I went food shopping and was stupefied by what I saw. People were engaged with their phones or plugged into ear buds as they strolled the aisles. Many had their heads down, maybe in hopes of avoiding eye contact. Strange how we have become intricately connected to technology - something that can never return to us what we desperately long for - relationship, acceptance, love, and life meaning.

Not only did God create us to be social beings, but His Word, the Bible is the written essence of interaction and relational intimacy. Brother to brother, husband to wife, grandparent to grandchild - it's all about connecting.

In fact, much of the Bible encourages us to communicate and engage in friendship with one another. One such example comes from a book called Hebrews, which says, "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another..." (Chapter 10, Verses 24-25)

No man or woman is an island, capable of thriving without human interaction. We were created for so much more than that. May we each be intentional in reaching out to others and connecting on a heart level.

Encouragement for the week:

My friend, as enjoyable or easy social media may be, it will never feed the greatest need of your heart. Your feminine heart requires more than the shallow sentiments social media offers.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know you were created for relationship and interaction with others. Be mindful of the traps that technology uses to isolate. Instead, have intention about interacting with others in person.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. You can find a special relationship and connection with Jesus. He waits to forge a lasting and intimate friendship with you. You can trust Him.

An Intricate Fascination

As a youngster, I had a curious fascination with my surroundings - as you can see from the above picture. At times, observing how a single file caravan of hard working ants could be sent into a furry of confusion because a leaf fell across their set path.

The dynamics of a grasshopper as I held it and marveled in its angled back legs, only to open my hands wide enough to watch it take a giant leap into the air. Or chasing a butterfly while taking in the mosaic of colors seen in its wings. It was a simpler time being fascinated with simpler and more beautiful things.

Nowadays, it seems the world has taken on a morbid fascination with the macabre and disturbing. You don't have to look far to see a focus on death, terror, or fear. A perfect example, as it gets closer to Halloween, is the caliber of horror movies being made.

The scarier and more disturbing, the better it seems. Thanks, but I'll pass. I like to be able to sleep at night. Even in our daily news programs, there isn't a whole lot of good news these days. Mail bombs have been an overriding theme on the news, if you tune in, and now that the person who sent them has been apprehended, the investigation begins.

Weeks will be spent dissecting details using the 'why's', 'when's', 'how's', and 'who's' to determine intent within the misdeed. Investigators, police, psychologists and others will give their professional perspective on the actions and mind of the perpetrator. While all the information will be gathered and presented as a welcome sedative to the minds that long to know, I believe there is a deeper part that is being overlooked - the heart.

I was reminded, through one of my devotionals, that it is the heart that is not only the epicenter of each human being, but also at the bulls-eye of villainy. More to the point, one particular devo said, "Society can punish symptoms over and over, but when behavior is our problem, we need to check the state of our heart. "

Not just when it gets to the point of a massacre or bombing. It needs to start when there's anger in our hearts while engaged in a disagreement with a friend or holding onto a lengthy grudge against a family member or co-worker. Is it safe to say that the state of our heart, at that moment, is nurturing something negative?

The devotional went on to say that, "Spiritual reality produces inward morality, which determines outward activity." If our world comes to the point of demanding an absence of God, I struggle to believe that goodness and love can blossom, never mind exist.

I say this having barely come out of my own self destruction, many years ago. If it were not for the saving grace I experienced in meeting God, this blog would not exist. And I would have never stepped into an unconditional love that fully accepted me in my brokenness.

So I guess it's fair to say that I desire to fascinate in the beautiful, simple things of life. To pray continually for the hearts in a state of confusion, hurt and anger - that they would, some way, somehow, be changed by God. For this once deranged heart was changed because nothing in my life was making sense and the darkness I lived in was preparing to swallow me whole.

However, once it was touched by God's love, I knew there was another option and life became incredible and colorful again. Just as it was while being a little girl.

Encouragement for the week:

Sweet girl, our world is scary but there is shelter that awaits every heart. There is a fascination far greater than anything we can fathom. His name is Jesus and He longs to enter each heart, bringing wonder and awe.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know the fascination you encountered when you first met the Lord. How alive and excited you felt for the first time in your life. How everything around you reflected the majesty and beauty of Jesus. Go back to that time and allow that inner flame of wonder and intrigue to be re-ignited.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. There is no greater fascination than the one you will experience within an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. You can trust Him to bring you new life, my friend.

Tres Años

There you have it - a simple girl with a simple yellow cake donning three blue candles to mark the occasion of my third birthday. I can't help saying that I look absolutely adorable.

Perusing through my photo album to resurrect shots of the past for this season of blogging has caused me to become nostalgic at times. Wondering how I was in the younger years because I, simply, don't remember.

With the help of my mother's exceptional memory, I've gained incredible insight to the simpler times of this easy going girl's life. Some of those memories being quite heart warming.

For instance, it wasn't the easiest for Mom to get pregnant but when she did with me, there was no morning sickness or exhaustion - quite the opposite. She had tremendous energy and felt really good for the entirety of her term.

When I was ready to make my appearance to the world, fifteen and a half painful hours passed before I popped out and demonstrated the power of my lungs. The doctor even commented on the voraciousness of my screams that wouldn't relent until I was tightly swaddled and given a bottle.

Though my Dad wasn't present for my birth - because of working hard to put food on the table - he did go home after his night shift ended, cleaned up, and came to the hospital to meet me in suit and tie. Impressive.

She also mentioned that while they didn't have an official first name picked out until I met my sistie for the first time, there was a desire to give homage to my Dad. So, his first name, Ray, became my middle name, Rae.

And, therefore, with a favorable set of lungs and clean bill of health, the introduction to my parents went off without a hitch. Their dream of a healthy baby girl was secured and life became a party of four.

Their hearts were full of gratitude to God for blessing them with another babe to adore and raise. There's nothing greater than the circle of family.

Encouragement for the week:

Sweet girl, you are the apple of your parent's eyes. Their hopes and dreams for your life are many and promising.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know that you were created by a God who has great things in store for you. Don't ever doubt that. Live and move in all of His eternal promises.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. Whether you believe it or not, God has incredible things planned for you. You can experience it all in choosing a relationship with Jesus today.

Times Two

**From left to right: Mom, my sistie, my grandma. Not sure who the two little ones are.**

At some point within each young girl's heart, it leaps with excitement at the thought of a birthday party being held just for her. I'm not sure where I was when the above pic was snapped, but it's obvious that there are plans for a party - my second birthday party, to be exact.

Balloons were blown, gifts were being wrapped, and hats were donned in preparation for yours truly to appear. Perhaps, as the frenzy was fierce in the kitchen, I was partaking in one of my favorite past times - napping.

Whatever the case may be, when it was time for the fun to take place, I was put in my chair as the cake was being presented. It was a chocolate cake my mother had made and that my dad placed in front of me.

I hesitated as the frosted treat sat there, waiting for some kind of reaction from me to dive in. That wasn't the case and I'm not sure why because I would never pass up chocolaty goodness like that today.

So without further hesitation, my dad cut a piece of the delectable dessert and placed it on my tray. Still no reaction or movement from me. I'm sure by that time, certain onlookers were hoping to capture a photo of something, anything, but I didn't budge.

So, left to his own devices, dad took a handful of cake and smeared it all over my face which brought an unimpressed look from me, as recalled to me by mom, but a moment that would be captured on film, forever.

The festivities ended with a special musical performance by my grandfather playing his banjo. I was so enthralled by the speed at which his fingers moved that I didn't even sit down to take it all in.

My cherished connection with him was made sweeter as he picked me up, placed me on his lap, put the banjo pick in my fingers and helped me strum on the strings of the treasured instrument. I was in my glory and I'm confident that my heart was full in those moments.

A little girl's life can be fundamentally changed by those who are closest to her, showing love and security. It's why this girl is thankful to God for having all the moments I did with family, my grandfather and his banjo.

Encouragement for the week:

My girl, you are the shine in the eyes of your loved ones, even when cake and frosting have been smeared on your face. You are beloved.

If you are a Christian reading this, those cherished memories of times gone by and loved ones in attendance for the things that really matter, relationship is what God had in mind for us. May we always hold to that.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. The extraordinary relationships you have in your life are no comparison to the awesome relationship Jesus longs to have with you. Sweet girl, you can trust Jesus to be your closest friend.