Introspection...

Is defined as the, ‘Contemplation of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and sensations; self-examination; heart-searching.’

As I daily live out this life of following God and surrendering to what God wishes to do in and through me, as well as remaining physically ready for whatever comes next, there exists a common denominator within me. One that has caused me great introspection throughout this faith walk. I suspect it will keep resonating within me until the denominator is quenched once and for all…but can it? The denominator I speak of is feeling alone.

I have often found myself standing in the midst of people, even chaos, and being unable to deny the unmistakable gnawing of feeling so alone. “But you are not alone, my Child,” God says. “I know I’m not totally alone God for I have You.” I reply. “But I really do feel alone, Lord.” I add.

I can’t seem to explain or describe my ‘aloneness’ to properly match the dynamics of what that feeling stirs within me. Quite often I have to be content to feel alone and move forward while questions of, “Will I ever stop feeling like a foreigner in a strange land? Will I ever stop feeling so alone?” make a mess of my already perplexed mind.

So my heart-searching plays on at times, especially if my mind is not otherwise distracted. I never thought following God this closely would be like this. I’ve experienced great and tragic things while following my Savior closely over these past years. Hard to believe that May of this year will mark 5 years since I was saved…saved from literal death and from the downward spiral I so thought provokingly devised to follow. God had something else in mind…greatness, purpose, direction. Those are not small things to balk at but it doesn’t mean that coming into those things did not come at a price. Some of the greatest blessings from God came at a great price but I can honestly say that every single one of those sacrifices that I made to step deeper into His presence were worth it.

They say, “Don’t have any regrets.” Before God got a hold of me, I lived a smeared and dirty life filled with regrets. Regrets for all the horrible things I did and how unworthy those horrible things made me feel about myself. Then God said my name and all of that changed in an instant and I felt the hand of God release me from every regret and sinful deed and I was freed. Now I live a life knowing I will never have regrets because when my heart is impressed to help someone, I’ll help. When I’m prompted to tell someone I care or that I love them, I will do the same. Just because I feel alone, doesn’t mean I can’t extend a word of encouragement to someone else who might be feeling the same.

We all long to be loved and cared for and our hearts really do cry out for God but so many don’t realize that it’s a cry for God to fill their lives with everything that He has for them. I often cry out to God from my heart for all the desires that are housed there. But God's best takes time and that means I must wait. Waiting is hard but losing out on God's best for me is going to be much harder. So I have to wait and I have to be patient. LOL I can barely type that word without laughing out loud for I am not the most patient woman but my many experiences with God have, well, stretched me to grow into an easier state of being patient when I need to be...or maybe when He needs me to be. :D

As long as I have known God, intimately, I know He has a sense of humor. I can’t always say that it’s the kind of humor that I can truly appreciate but it does make Him easier to relate to. He knows my inner hurts and needs and He is always working to bring about fulfillment of the many purposes He has had in mind for me before I came to be. In turn, I know the commitment I have made to Him because of wanting His very best for me. I’ve experienced too much of His best to NOT want it all the time in every area of my life.

As for my aloneness? Well, someone reminded me of how alone Paul must have felt…doing God’s will and being heavily persecuted for doing so. So much that he only had a few good friends who stood by him as he ran the race marked out for him by God. To bring the good news to those who needed it the most even though Paul knew he would be tortured for it. My heart goes out to Paul, but it was as though his dedication to God always seemed to mask that aloneness and he just kept going.

In my own experience, every time I've been met with this feeling of being alone, God has always met me there, saying in His still small voice, "You're never alone, beloved, for I am here with you." His voice soothes and satiates me until the next time I feel alone for it won't truly be satiated until I'm with Him for eternity.

Until then, I hold on to the lyrics from one of my favorite songs that speaks directly to my aloneness. It's 'Here With Me' by MercyMe.

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender:

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love