Introspection...

Is defined as the, ‘Contemplation of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and sensations; self-examination; heart-searching.’

As I daily live out this life of following God and surrendering to what God wishes to do in and through me, as well as remaining physically ready for whatever comes next, there exists a common denominator within me. One that has caused me great introspection throughout this faith walk. I suspect it will keep resonating within me until the denominator is quenched once and for all…but can it? The denominator I speak of is feeling alone.

I have often found myself standing in the midst of people, even chaos, and being unable to deny the unmistakable gnawing of feeling so alone. “But you are not alone, my Child,” God says. “I know I’m not totally alone God for I have You.” I reply. “But I really do feel alone, Lord.” I add.

I can’t seem to explain or describe my ‘aloneness’ to properly match the dynamics of what that feeling stirs within me. Quite often I have to be content to feel alone and move forward while questions of, “Will I ever stop feeling like a foreigner in a strange land? Will I ever stop feeling so alone?” make a mess of my already perplexed mind.

So my heart-searching plays on at times, especially if my mind is not otherwise distracted. I never thought following God this closely would be like this. I’ve experienced great and tragic things while following my Savior closely over these past years. Hard to believe that May of this year will mark 5 years since I was saved…saved from literal death and from the downward spiral I so thought provokingly devised to follow. God had something else in mind…greatness, purpose, direction. Those are not small things to balk at but it doesn’t mean that coming into those things did not come at a price. Some of the greatest blessings from God came at a great price but I can honestly say that every single one of those sacrifices that I made to step deeper into His presence were worth it.

They say, “Don’t have any regrets.” Before God got a hold of me, I lived a smeared and dirty life filled with regrets. Regrets for all the horrible things I did and how unworthy those horrible things made me feel about myself. Then God said my name and all of that changed in an instant and I felt the hand of God release me from every regret and sinful deed and I was freed. Now I live a life knowing I will never have regrets because when my heart is impressed to help someone, I’ll help. When I’m prompted to tell someone I care or that I love them, I will do the same. Just because I feel alone, doesn’t mean I can’t extend a word of encouragement to someone else who might be feeling the same.

We all long to be loved and cared for and our hearts really do cry out for God but so many don’t realize that it’s a cry for God to fill their lives with everything that He has for them. I often cry out to God from my heart for all the desires that are housed there. But God's best takes time and that means I must wait. Waiting is hard but losing out on God's best for me is going to be much harder. So I have to wait and I have to be patient. LOL I can barely type that word without laughing out loud for I am not the most patient woman but my many experiences with God have, well, stretched me to grow into an easier state of being patient when I need to be...or maybe when He needs me to be. :D

As long as I have known God, intimately, I know He has a sense of humor. I can’t always say that it’s the kind of humor that I can truly appreciate but it does make Him easier to relate to. He knows my inner hurts and needs and He is always working to bring about fulfillment of the many purposes He has had in mind for me before I came to be. In turn, I know the commitment I have made to Him because of wanting His very best for me. I’ve experienced too much of His best to NOT want it all the time in every area of my life.

As for my aloneness? Well, someone reminded me of how alone Paul must have felt…doing God’s will and being heavily persecuted for doing so. So much that he only had a few good friends who stood by him as he ran the race marked out for him by God. To bring the good news to those who needed it the most even though Paul knew he would be tortured for it. My heart goes out to Paul, but it was as though his dedication to God always seemed to mask that aloneness and he just kept going.

In my own experience, every time I've been met with this feeling of being alone, God has always met me there, saying in His still small voice, "You're never alone, beloved, for I am here with you." His voice soothes and satiates me until the next time I feel alone for it won't truly be satiated until I'm with Him for eternity.

Until then, I hold on to the lyrics from one of my favorite songs that speaks directly to my aloneness. It's 'Here With Me' by MercyMe.

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender:

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

The Next Chapter

Having finished the 'kiros' of Costa Rica and successfully graduating from the Discipleship Training School, it didn't take long for God to reveal the next steps He had in mind for me once I returned to the familiar and welcome comforts of my home in Canada (November 20, 2011). In fact, it was within the first week of my return that God began impressing upon my heart the next country He wants me to go....Cuba!! That's all He gave me, a new country but no indication as to the 'why's' or 'what for's', just a destination.

Meanwhile, I settled back into 'normal' life and took some much needed time for rest and processing at my parent's place for the month of December 2011 and part of January 2012. It was there that God further impressed His next steps along with a prompting to buy a Spanish-English Bible. So when I returned to my home in Calgary, Alberta, I quickly ordered the Bible and waited on God to further direct me.

While I was seeking God, I was also sharing this news with others including the pastors of my home church and with friends and family. I just didn't know the particulars behind going. But it doesn't matter to me in the least for I know that if God calls me to go somewhere, He'll be there with me and provide for me in every single way. The many unknowns behind why I'm going and what I'll be doing don't really phase me, it just excites me as I know there will be something incredible that comes out of this next chapter....just like incredible things came out of my seemingly inconspicuous first trip to Costa Rica last year with Samaritan's Purse in distributing shoeboxes to kids in the province of Alajuela, Costa Rica.

So, in speaking with my pastor and his wife, they formulated a game plan of not only getting my experiences and adventures out to members of my home church but also to come alongside me in prayer on the newest revelations from God. One element of this game plan came as an opportunity and privilege, on my part, to share my time in Costa Rica with my home church. So, on January 29, 2012, I hosted a luncheon which included a presentation of some of the things I was a part of (including the movements of God) while in the country of Costa Rica. You can take a look at the presentation on my Facebook page if you are on Facebook or receive it when I email it to others who may not be on Facebook.

Unfortunately, there are no notes that go with each slide because I ad libbed everything I said. The slides were purely a prompt to what I would say next. :D Sorry....you really had to be there to get the full effect of my excitement in sharing with everyone. So have a look and enjoy!

I'll be including more details and updates about Cuba and what my time there might look like in the coming weeks. So stay tuned!!!!! :D

Aside from that I continue to pursue God and His ways for me while I wait for Him in many areas of my life. I surrender to Him daily and what He may want to do in me and through me and how He might want me to minister to others and share Him with them. So far it's been mindblowing for me how God sees me to be effective for Him in the kingdom and how much He DOES want to use me no matter what kind of day I might be having! There are times when I just have to unplug from the world and plug IN to the Lord. Whether that's through prayer, reading His Word or simply listening to some powerful worship music....God is my inspiration that brings me back on track and I fall more deeply into Him each time. :D

At times I can't help reflecting on how much easier life was when I was in Costa Rica....being surrounded by God 24/7 whether it was through people, surroundings or circumstances. I was in this bubble with God and it was the best for me but I also knew what would come after DTS, the return to reality and real life. To go swimming without my life preserver (God) in a way and just keep my eyes on God who would always swim slowly ahead of me, watching every movement of the waters to filter out anything that would harm or distract me.

He does that daily, saving me from myself at times and what can become ridiculous distractions but distractions, nonetheless. God saves me and firmly holds me in His hand while He pours His love, mercy and grace upon me like a warm shower. All I do is stand there and sigh under the weightless pressure of the water as it rains down on me. How great and merciful He is and how faithful He is to everything He has promised me!! I, like many others, believe this year 2012 to be one of great change not only personally but also for the world. I just keep looking to God for so many things and know that He'll answer in great ways....mindblowing ways!

Stay tuned for more later! :D