Who Am I?

I am what I do, what I own, and who I'm dating. I am a sex addict, alcoholic, and drug user. I am suicidal, hate filled, and profane. These are some of the answers I would have given to the question, "Who am I?", over 20 years ago. It was a 15 year period of deep darkness in which my personal goal was to destroy myself. I was hurting and very angry.

I was also dying. On the inside. Of mind, heart, soul, and spirit and I needed an intervention. One which I had decided would come in one of two ways; driving my car into a pole or drinking myself to death. I couldn't take much more of the pain that was consuming me and what I, realistically, was inflicting on myself.

Well, nine years and three months ago my intervention came. It wasn't by my own hands nor was it packaged as a group of friends who were waiting to confront me at my home with a suitcase packed for rehab. I had no friends. No, it was a combination of years of my mother's faithful prayers, an all-knowing and good God, and the caring heart of a new and special friend that collided the afternoon of May 6, 2007, that set me on a course to recovery. It wasn't in the traditional ways of AA or Sex Addicts Anonymous. It was what I can only describe as being supernatural.

An intervention that quickly turned my world upside down as I entered a place of unconditional love, peace, and joy that I had never before experienced. A place that brought me face to face with the ones I had spent most of my life running from. The ones being God and Jesus Christ. I had rejected them, cursed them, and avoided them at all costs. I even verbally attacked anyone who dared to talk to me about them.

Turns out the ones I spent most of my adult life avoiding were the very ones I needed the most. As I entered this foreign territory of a relationship with God and Jesus, a time of healing began. The very things I thought defined love; sex, control, manipulation and self-abuse concerning men, were torn away and replaced with the truth and knowledge of a real love. A pure love, that could only come from a perfect source that was God through His Son, Jesus.

Soon the ideas, dispositions, and lies I had spent so many years feeding on and believing were blown to pieces and I felt as though I had been set free. Free to be me, the real me. The true me. Someone who, while imperfect and in need of help, became someone who now stands firm on the truth that I am welcomed all the more in my imperfection. Welcomed by God and showered with His truth.

The truth that I am loved and worth loving. That I am beautiful, precious, protected, and accepted for exactly who I am. No. Matter. What. It's what God sees in me that I have come to believe, not the inconsistent and harmful 'truths' of this world. I am so much more than what the world says that I am.

And SO ARE YOU!!! You, yes YOU, are all these same truths! Loved, cherished, and adored! My creator God knows exactly who you are, the true you, the beautiful you and His truths are far beyond all the lies you've been fed for too long. The truths that, I have come to discover, can only be found in a relationship with God and His Son Jesus Christ.

So, who are you? What are the things you have come to believe about yourself? What are the things the world has said or people around you have said that you have believed to be true? Let's talk!! I would love to hear from you!

The 21st Century Epidemic

In 2016 TIME posted an online article showcasing the top 10 epidemics in history. From the Black Death to the 1916 Polio Epidemic to SARS, our planet has been plagued by some of the most devastating health crises. However, I believe there is an even greater epidemic that is among us right now. Where the statistics of the lost are not truly known but grow in number by each passing day. I believe that epidemic is loneliness.

The Globe and Mail did an article on September 18, 2015 speaking of loneliness as a crisis that is looming. It said that, "More Canadians than ever live alone, and almost one quarter describe themselves as lonely. In the United States, two studies showed that 40% of people say they're lonely, a figure that has doubled in 30 years."

Britain has even formed a registered charity to bring an end to chronic loneliness. Jeremy Hunt, the health secretary, said of the lonely, "a forgotten million who live amongst us ignored, to our national shame."

Ami Rokach, a psychologist and lecturer at York University in Toronto, has been researching the subject for more than 3 decades. She said that, "Loneliness has been linked to depression, anxiety, interpersonal hostility, increased vulnerability to health problems, and even suicide." She also noted that, "There is such a stigma about it (loneliness)."

Other articles I have read have made a connection between loneliness and suppressed immune system and cardiovascular function, an increase of stress hormones that our body produces, that it causes wear and tear on a cellular level and impairs sleep. Even going as far to say that loneliness is as bad for your health as smoking or being overweight.

There have been observations that an increasingly self-absorbed society could be to blame for more loneliness, causing a move away from a concern for others. There was even a study conducted by the University of Michigan showing that the use of Facebook increased feelings of loneliness and alienation.

The information I was reading was startling to me until I began to see things from a different perspective, my own. See, I am one of the loneliness statistics.  While I don't feel lonely all the time, I have felt loneliness on a level that was almost crippling. A loneliness that I have had to fight through in order to get out of the house and socialize with the outside world. At times it felt impossible to get beyond the crippling effect of my loneliness but I can say that I had and still have help during those times.

My help comes from the relationship I have with God. Even though I am a Christian, I battle the same kinds of things that any other person out there will battle. However, because I chose a relationship with God and have a friend in Jesus, those battles aren't as overwhelming as they used to be. I became a Christian later on in life (just over 9 years ago) so I didn't have the help to get through some really hard times earlier in my life.

Now that I have that help it doesn't mean that I don't struggle but it does mean that I am not alone and, even in my times of loneliness, there is someone greater than me to help me push through the crippling loneliness and find joy in the things and people around me. To get out and socialize if even for a short time to break out of being lonely.

I'm not alone and neither are you in this. I pray for an end to your loneliness as I pray for an end to mine. There is nothing to be ashamed of in saying that you are lonely. I'm officially saying it in my blog, "I'm lonely sometimes and I'm not afraid to say it anymore."

Do you live with loneliness? I think we all do at some point in our lives. Do you find it crippling like I do sometimes? Do you find it impossible to push beyond the loneliness to go out and socialize? I would really like to hear from you. Let's talk.

Plot Twist!

Sometimes our best laid plans aren't, well, the best. Even the purest of intentions and the execution method of said plans can quickly go off the rails. Novels, TV shows, and movies utilize what's known as a 'plot twist' to bring about a dramatic and unexpected turn in events or circumstances that can change the entire outcome of a story, for the good or bad. I experienced a 'plot twist' of my own last week.

A couple weeks ago I was asked to be the speaker at Covenant Bay Bible Camp for their junior high camp the week of July 17 - 22. I was humbled by the request and accepted enthusiastically! I was given the camp theme and the daily topics that I was to speak on. I was excited and began reading and note taking and was ready to go for my first speaking time Sunday night (17th). Despite being a little nervous, I felt as though my first message was clear and a flag post for the week.

As a Christian, I spend time in a relationship with God and part of that relationship means depending on God to help me in every situation of my life. I knew that I was supposed to speak at the camp and felt confident of my written plan. However, while I wrote my notes and made my plans, I never really asked God what He thought. I was thinking my plan was the best.

Monday morning came and I could sense God was telling me that my plan wasn't His plan. Uh oh. Here is where the plot twist comes in! As I spent more time thinking about things, I felt my own plans giving way. All of my time and effort and writing notes were being erased and I found myself starting from scratch. However, I knew I wasn't going things alone and my panic, nervousness and utter dismay soon faded to find my heart and mind being filled with new thoughts and ideas for the day. Thoughts and ideas that far outweighed the ones I had written in my notebook the previous week.

Monday morning's speaking turned into Monday evening's speaking and I was no longer following my own notes. This plot twist was bigger than I could ever anticipate but I knew, full well, that it was going to bring about a greater outcome. One that I didn't plan and that I was MORE than okay with! The twists and turns along the week kept growing into greater things and discussions at the camp were evidence of this. Kids who had never gone to church or held a Bible were asking questions about God and a couple kids requested a Bible. One boy re-committed his life to following Jesus. I got to pray for that boy.

By the end of the week I was exhausted and humbled by what I had been a part of. Knowing that my plans were switched out for a far greater outcome to the 'story' made me feel amazing! The plot twist made me realize and appreciate that despite my best intentions and efforts, that I should always be open to a change in the story.

What is your plot twist? What plans have you made that ended up changing and bringing about a better outcome? I want to hear from you! Let's talk!

Selah

Pronounced a couple different ways (seelah, saylah), the word Selah, as indicated by Wikipedia, means several things. From "rock" or "like a rock" to "stop and listen" and "pause, think of that". It may also indicate a break in a song whose purpose is similar to that of Amen (Hebrew: "so be it"). The word 'Selah' also occurs 74 times in the Bible. The Bible is believed by many Christians to be the Word of God.

For me, Selah has become a meaningful practice in my life as I've applied the meaning of to stop, pause, and reflect much more than the other meanings given by Wikipedia. Often I will find a quiet place to reflect deeply about things and events in my life that have had an impact on who I am as a person and a woman. Some of the things I stop to think about and reflect on have been both positive and negative in nature. The negative reflective points have been a source of lessons learned along with wisdom in how to better navigate my way through negative or difficult times that I know will come.

Some of the things I've reflected on have been: my role as a sister, mother, and daughter; my conduct and character as a Christian; difficult times I've been through and challenges I've had to overcome (ie. the loss of my grandfather, the lack of a relationship with my son, opposition to my faith, a longing to know my purpose, and many more).

It's at times of reflection that I have gleaned insight, refreshment and peace. I know that even though I am a Christian and have chosen to follow Jesus, I am not perfect and need a lot of guidance and grace. I make mistakes all the time and that's why I need help. For me, my personal relationship with Jesus has been my greatest source of help. If it wasn't for finding Jesus, I know I wouldn't be here.

At the end of the day, I know it's by reflecting that I can come into an appreciation of where I've been and where I am going. That the mistakes I made in the past have no hold on me now and do not determine or define my future. I'm definitely not the same person today as I was years ago and that is a good thing. I don't believe we're meant to be complacent in thought or action but to go through the tough stuff, brush ourselves off and keep moving forward.

What do you reflect on? What do you discover about yourself in times of reflection? I'd really like to hear from you and have a conversation about this topic! I also welcome constructive feedback about my blog and ways I can improve it. 

Foreward. Forward.

It's hard to belive that I haven't written a blog for over 2 years! It's not for lack of content or a boring faith walk.  In all honesty,  the reasons are many from laziness to loneliness, difficulty to discouragement.

Things that stopped me from sharing my ongoing journey that shouldn't have along with excuses and a little bit of fear to share some deeply personal things. However, I have decided to face fear, toe to toe, and refuse to let it hold me back from what I believe God is directing me to do.

That direction being to share my faith journey, the good days along with the difficult. To be real and vulnerable in what I share which can be scary but I'd rather face and push through the scary than have it stop me.

So this debut, well re-debut, blog is a foreward for more that's to come along with a big and scary step forward into a continuing journey that, I hope, will encourage,  uplift and inspire you.

I hope you'll walk with me. I welcome the company and conversation with you along the way.

The Call

SO, did you figure out the answer to my Cuba trivia question: Does Cuba have elephants? The answer is NO! Cuba does not have elephants! Strange but true! This blog’s Cuba trivia question is: What is Cuba’s national sport? Take your guess and write your answer in the comment section if you like! I’ll reveal the answer in my next blog!

As followers of Christ and being in relationship with Him, God often ‘calls’ us to do certain things, go certain places, and say certain words to people. When God has called me to any of these I’ve listed, some I’ve found incredibly easy to do and others not so much. Though God never changes, the things He calls us to often do, sometimes in great degree.

At times I question if what God has called me to is legitimate, but with time I know that it is and, indeed, it comes from God and it’s not something I’ve made up. But how do I know FOR SURE, that it’s God calling me?

In my own experiences, the call has come in different forms. At times it’s a pressing on my heart and spirit that is undeniable and hard to ignore. Other times it’s the internal, yet, audible voice of God that speaks to my heart and spirit in that still, small voice. I can know that it’s God’s voice and not my own (which is difficult to distinguish at times) when I have an energy within me and a great peace that is unexplainable. Of course, there is also the Word of God that I can always be sure will point me in the right direction.

Above all else, for me, it’s been dedication to praying about something specific that the Lord has called me to and asking Him to confirm that it’s what He wants me to do. He confirms in various ways; through situations, godly conversations, His Word, or His voice along with His peace. A peace in my heart and in my spirit tells me that it’s from God (John 14:27). This is the same peace I received when I first got God’s call on my life for Cuba over two years ago.

Now, as I look forward to what this vision trip will mean, the peace remains and it grows stronger as I progress in the details and planning of this next adventure with God! It is this same peace that might be filling you as you are reading this and wondering if being a part of my vision team to Cuba is something God wants you to be a part of!

If it is, the experience will be transforming for you and God will do great things in and through you during the trip! J So, now here is where you might come in! If you feel that God is placing it on your heart, calling you, to be a part of my work team to Cuba this summer, please email me and I would love to chat with you further!!

I will continue to pray and wait on God to bring those He desires to see on this trip. In the meantime, would you please join me in prayer for the following:

- Please pray that the preparation that God has already been doing in hearts would bring them forward in   becoming a part of this work team to Cuba.

- Please pray that God would continue to go before me and prepare the way to Cuba for me and my team to come. That God would oversee the details and that I would remain submitted to His timing and way in doing things, that I would NOT push my own timing and agenda.

- Please pray that God would grant me continued wisdom and discernment as I prepare to lead this team. That God would fill me with the fruit of the Spirit for the many wonderful personalities that will be in this team.

- Please pray that God would prepare the hearts of those who will come alongside this team and project to give financially.

Many thanks!

Surprise!!

I’m trying something new….Cuba Trivia!! Okay, so, does Cuba have elephants??? The answer will come in my next blog but feel free to make guesses!

Sometimes when God opens a door it can be to something pretty cool. Like a new job that’s greatly needed, a new friendship, or lunch with a friend you haven’t seen for a while! Other times, God opens a door to something ABSOLUTELY MIND BLOWING!! Like the door that God recently opened for me!

In early January, after having sent out three fleeces (feelers) to three different Cuba-oriented organizations that I’ve been prayerfully supporting over the years, one returned. It returned in a pretty big way and was from WorldServe Ministries (www.worldserve.ca)!  Check out their website to see what they’re about and their ministry focus!

What began with several email ‘conversations’ with WSM, turned into a phone call (Jan. 14, 2014) that included an in-depth discussion about God’s present call on my life for Cuba. I chatted with the Director of Teams and Humanitarian Aid with WSM and he mentioned there would be some upcoming teams training in Calgary that I could sit in on to get a feel of WSM’s vision and ministry and how it all ties into my call. Without hesitation I said, "Yes!"

Our conversation concluded with some homework, that is, my homework that came in the form of reading two books prior to the training that was, at that time, just two and half weeks away: When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett & Brian Fikkert and Ministering Cross-Culturally by Sherwood G. Lingenfelter. If you feel called to be a missionary, in whatever form that might take (ie. Mission trips, pastoring a church, etc.), I would highly recommend these books.

After reading both books, my heart was affirmed with what I had come to already believe about the TRUE meaning of missions. That it’s not about swooping in and taking over. Sure, there are a lot of things that need to be done in needy places but, like the Bible, it really begins with relationship. It’s about empowering those who are poverty stricken, not just materially, but personally and spiritually. A poverty that makes people feel powerless, humiliated, shamed, depressed, and worthless due to their state of material poverty.

Without a doubt, I know that it‘s not about a/some ‘Mission’ Trip(s) for me, it’s about a/some ‘Vision’ Trip(s), my vision which had been God’s vision for Cuba. A/some trip(s) that will get work done, yes, but more importantly is the work that will get done in the heart and soul of a person to change them in powerful ways and for eternity. Change that will bring worth and value to raise people up out of their spiritual poverty so that they can bring themselves out of material poverty!

Change to empower and encourage the indigenous (local) people, to help restore the foundational relationships (relationship with God, with self, with others, and with the rest of creation) so that they become the very people God designed them to be!

February 1, 2014: This is the day I sat in on a teams training session for 2 hours. I can tell you that it was an incredible time of blessing and affirmation. Not only was I entering the right door that God had opened for me but it was also with the right organization for Cuba.

As details unfold, I’ll keep you up to date on the what’s, when’s, and how’s of my progressing call to Cuba!

In the meantime, would you please join me in prayer for the following:

 - Please pray that God would grant me wisdom, guidance, and discernment about the steps to take and how soon to take them in this partnership with WSM. I don’t want to get ahead of God!

- Please pray that God would begin to prepare the hearts of those who will be a part of my calling to Cuba.

           - Please pray that God would continue to prepare my heart and the way before me for Cuba.

      

      Thank you!!