Sow & Reap

I REALLY enjoy exercising! Whether walking or weightlifting, exercise has been my best therapy for decades.

If I'm angry, I exercise. If I'm frustrated, I exercise. If I'm stressed out, I exercise. If I'm...well, you get the idea.

Even in the frustration and sorrow of my singleness, I exercise by walking.

For some reason, when I am having a particularly difficult day in accepting my single status, walking brings calmness.

A calm I can't quite explain but welcome because, in all reality, I have no idea when I will no longer be single.

Of course while I walk out my struggle I also vent.

Lately I have noticed something, however, that isn't good.

There is a place in the Bible that talks about sowing and reaping. That is, planting seeds that will bring about a harvest.

Like farmers, we as humans can plant seeds (feelings, thoughts, emotions) in our soil (hearts and minds).

These seeds can bring about a crop (result) of weeds (negativity) or bushels of wheat (goodness).

It's up to us to decide how that crop is going to turn out depending on the kind of fertilizer (information) we choose.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but my fertilizer has been a weed grower.

I have been taking my eyes off the ball (God) and gotten myself onto an island, population: 1.

I have been harboring feelings of anger, resentment, and self-pity about my singleness.

Whining about the very status that I said last week I was trusting God with. Did I not??? *sigh*

Luckily, God wasn't really keen on letting me have a pity party and getting lost in my emotions.

Interestingly enough, I started to hear messages about sowing and reaping.

That if I sow bad thoughts and feelings of resentment or anger, soon they will manifest into other things.

Like bitterness, unforgiveness, and animosity.

Woah.

That was enough to stop me in my tracks and I broke down, sobbing.

I didn't want to be a person who held anything against anyone even though I never really knew who I was holding these things against.

Myself? God? Married people?

Yesterday, in coming to this realization, I went for a really long walk in the sunshine and talked (prayed) to God.

I mean I REALLY laid it out. Fully aware of who I had slowly become and QUICKLY wanting to get rid of her.

I started confessing all the things I was holding in my heart that, I knew, shouldn't be there.

You know what happened? They stopped.

The negative feelings, the self-pity...stopped.

Instead, I felt calm and at peace. As soon as I switched my fertilizer from bad to good, it made my heart (the soil) feel better.

I even had peace, without any worry, about my single status and I felt like I could really breathe for the first time in a long time.

I couldn't help but thank God for helping me go through that experience.

Showing me that even though I'm not happy about being single, I can be okay with it for now. That I can even have peace with it.

I want to sow good things into my heart and life so that I'm not walking around in misery while I'm waiting.

I want to encourage you today that if you are in the waiting room of singleness, you are not alone.

For some, it's been a really long wait.

I know it's not easy waiting. I'm sorry and I understand.

I'm waiting with you and am here for you. The negativity will come sometimes but fight to hold on to positivity.

Go for a walk if you need to. Throw a fit if you have to but, please, don't stay there.

Start each day by looking for something good, even if it's something small.

Sometimes I start the day with something I am thankful for.

Whatever you need to take the edge off.

Be good to yourself and say some kind words to yourself.

You're worth it.

Contentment

con·tent·ment

noun

1. a state of happiness and satisfaction.

Last week was a big one for me. I shared something I never thought I would share on paper, never mind on a public platform.

I shared my dislike...no, hatred for being single.

I have never gone to singles sites or speed dated.

So you would think that because I hate being single so much that I would put myself out there.

That I would dangle personal information on as many 'reputable' dating sites as possible...right?

Well, that's just not me. I'm a pretty private person which becomes debunked as soon as you look at my blog! Hahaha

Now that I got that out of the way, the truth is that I have entrusted my future spouse to God.

Of course that was after I gave God my short list of attributes my husband had to have.

Things like making me laugh, being weird like me, and having mesmerizing blue eyes. Just to name a few.

He also had to love God and want a simple, quiet life.

So, what did it mean when I gave that list to God and trusted Him with the details?

WAITING! A LOT OF WAITING! Still waiting! Obviously.

It also means that if I am trusting God, I am also having to adhere to His timetable in bringing my husband to my front door, sorta speak.

THAT then means I have to be content to wait. To be happy and satisfied as the definition of contentment implies.

I can't do that. I already tried. I only get frustrated and impatient!

Is it that contentment is a state of mind? A decision to be at peace with my singleness nemesis until it's TIME?

I don't know when that time is. Knowing that sobering reality kind of, well, sucks.

Maybe contentment comes in different forms.

Like being comfortable and confident in my own skin which I think, for the most part, I am.

Or maybe it is deciding to enjoy my singleness while I'm still single. What does that entail?

Maybe it even means talking to married couples to get a closer, more in depth perspective of what married life can REALLY look like.

I only have numerous online articles and less than casual exchanges to hold as 'marriage prep' information.

I want to be content while I'm waiting in limbo for marriage but struggle to be in the waiting room.

What does contentment mean to you? I want to hear from you! Let's talk!

Confession Time

Last week I wrote a post in line with Thanksgiving Day and expressing several of the things in my life that I am thankful for.

Since that post, I have felt like God wants me to go so much more deeper and talk about something that I am scared to talk about.

So, I have a confession to make. Remember one of the things I mentioned I was thankful for was singleness?

Well, I'm not thankful for my singleness. I don't like being single. At times, I hate being single.

If you would have asked me ten or fifteen years ago if I ever wanted to be married again, I would have loudly laughed in your face while fervently saying, "No freakin' way!"

I was living life 'freely' without consequence and with quite a bit of malice while enjoying my many freedoms of being single.

I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, I never had to answer to ANYONE, and I never had to get permission to do what I wanted. It was nirvana, even though I'm not a Buddhist. Hahahaha

I was pretty confident that my hard heart and selfish ways were a strong confirmation that I was meant to be single and fancy free and I was more than okay with that.

Well, when I came to know God and Jesus Christ within a personal relationship, nine and a half years ago, things quickly began to change.

The biggest change happened in my heart and the hardness of it was being chipped away to reveal a heart I never knew existed.

Along with discovering I was a very emotional woman with the capacity to love BIG on people, I was also coming into a knowledge that my attitude toward my status was being transformed.

I went from coveting my single status to disliking it and wanting to do away with it as quickly as possible.

Thing is, it didn't cause me to set up profiles in a myriad of dating sites. I never went speed dating.

I actually didn't do much to move into the dating scene at all even though several people were telling me I should.

I'm not completely sure why but a part of me was suggesting caution. Thinking back to that time, I'm pretty sure it was God cautioning me.

After all, this was new to me and the feelings and emotions tied into no longer wanting to be single were strong and steady and it scared me.

It scared me to think about marriage. It scared me to think that my heart was now desiring marriage, not singleness.

It still amazes me today to think that only a couple months after becoming a Christian, I wanted marriage and I was more and more sure of that each day.

So, not only do I feel that God wants me to go deeper with my blog, but He also wants me to go into my confession...my struggle with singleness, deeper.

I don't know what that means for the weeks ahead but there it is. Out loud, on paper, and COMPLETELY vulnerable about my unwanted status.

Perhaps by processing this out loud, to you, I'll gain a greater understanding of my status. Maybe I'll eventually be at peace with it until marriage.

I really don't know but what I do know, right now, is that I need to find contentment in where I am or I'll never be content.

So, to be continued! Thanks for reading! I'd like to hear from you, whether single or married! Let's talk!

Thanks! Gracias! Merci!

It only seems fitting that my post today be about thankfulness. Even though I am thankful, daily, this particular day causes me to pause, take a step back, and truly reflect on the many things I am thankful for.

I'm thankful that I have God in my life for He has brought me peace, hope, and a love for other people. I trust Him for everything in my life.

I'm thankful for my family and friends, here and around the world, and the many daughters I have 'adopted' over the years.

I'm thankful for my senses and that they are all working and healthy.

I'm thankful, that even though still unemployed, I know that I will eventually have a career and it will be perfect for me.

I'm thankful for my singleness. Really? Should I be thankful for something I really dislike?

Being thankful for my singleness means I can know that even though my heart greatly desires marriage, God also knows and thanking Him for it means I trust Him to, eventually, bring me marriage.

I'm thankful for my women's Bible study and the opportunity to connect with other women of different ages and backgrounds to glean wisdom from.

I'm thankful for living in the country, where I know my heart truly belongs and thrives.

I'm thankful for having a heart of love and the ability to give of love freely, selflessly, sacrificially, and unconditionally.

I'm thankful for a reliable car that gets me from point A to point B every time. I never truly appreciated what the blessing of a car was.

I'm thankful for people who show compassion and empathy to those who hurt and are in pain. It makes this world better.

I'm thankful for living in a country that has afforded me so many freedoms that, I hope, I never take for granted.

I'm thankful for each subsequent day that I get to live.

I'm thankful that I am healthy and have access to medical care that will help me when I'm not.

Being thankful doesn't mean my circumstances are ideal. Not at all.

There is, however, something that happens in me...in my heart, when I am thankful, that diverts my attention away from my struggles, trials and disappointments in life.

Being thankful allows me to have a heart posture that says,"I don't know what today holds and my circumstances are still difficult, but I am thankful in the midst of the pain and sorrow."

Smiling or being thankful isn't easy when life seems to throw curve balls all the time but saying the two small words, 'Thank You' can lift the heart and disposition in a way that can bring refreshment.

What are you thankful for today? I want to hear from you! Let's talk!!

The Calming Effect

After a time of hellish difficulty, what do you do to bring a calming effect? Whether it be a physical, mental, emotional or spiritual difficulty.

Does the effect come in the way of a cup of your favorite tea? A good cry? A cozy fire? Maybe a walk in a quiet place?

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about a time of intense torment in my life. A time when I was in my own personal hell quite fearful that I would not see the end of it any time soon.

However, after four days time, I did see an end but it wasn't until every ounce of strength I had was drained from me through crying, screaming, and praying. 

I reached the end of the dark tunnel, breaking through into the light of a saving hope that I was fighting, tooth and nail, to reach.

I still recall that time, like it was yesterday, and the torment I was battling. I remember being so desperate for it to end yet only able to bring relief by weeping.

The interesting thing, now, is that I have found my calming effect through reflecting on what I went through and knowing that I was never alone in the fight even though it felt that way at the time.

The great retrospect of having the hand of God on and over me as I called out for relief and help, thinking there was no one to hear me.

Yes, recalling and reflecting on that week of hell has brought me to a place of incredible calm and renewed strength. 

A place of deep gratitude to God for not just saving me from further torment after those four initial days were over but also walking with me through it all, in spite of my skewed perspective that God was absent and didn't care.

A knowledge of being changed, profoundly and richly, as a Christian woman.

A realization that the bowels in which I resided for that short time was actually the refining fire I needed to go through to reach a spiritual place I had been praying to get to. For a long time.

It may sound crazy, even insane to some. To pray that God would remove all the things in me I hated is, well...idiotic. Isn't it?

I'm saying this knowing I am the one who prayed the prayer. I just didn't know how it would play out or when.

It did and as horrible as it was, I am so incredibly thankful that not only it finally happened but that it was as intense as it was.

For me, I truly believe it had to happen that way because now, I have an inward calm, strength, and confidence that I didn't have before. 

Even the overwhelming loneliness I used to battle on a daily basis, that was physically painful at times, has lessened. At times, I don't even feel lonely even though I'm alone.

It's perplexing and unbelievable especially if you are reading this and don't believe in God. Maybe you ARE a believer and are equally perplexed.

I'm certainly perplexed and in a state of disbelief at the results of a time I would never wish on my worst enemy.

At the end of it all, while I can't fully explain things now, I only know the peace I have that is unlike anything before. 

I have a hope for the future that I didn't conceive of before the hell got fueled. 

I also have a greater trust of God that I never thought I would ever have.

So the difficulty, for me, was needed. I never knew I wanted it until I took the time to reflect on what has happened now as a result of what happened then.

What brings you a calming effect after a time of hardship? I want to hear from you. Let's talk!

How Are You?

No. Really. How are you? Please know that I am not asking out of obligation but of a genuine interest in how you are doing! I really want to know.

I've noticed, more and more, that our society seems to operate at an arm's length. That some people, while having the best intentions, ask the above question not really wanting an answer. A real answer.

The kind of real answer that could be messy or uncomfortable for the person who asked the question in the first place.

An answer wrought with pain, hurt, isolation, rejection, or loneliness that may even cause fear in the questioner because it's now becoming a commitment.

A commitment to sit down and listen to someone who feels like their life is falling apart. Someone who might see you as their only source of hope, empathy and compassion.

Their only lifeline to getting through the pain and another day. So why do so many people ask the question if they are afraid of the answer? Why are people so afraid to ask the question in the first place?

In the Bible, there is a verse that talks about being in the trenches with another person during difficult times. It talks about weeping with those who weep, mourning with those who mourn but also rejoicing with those who rejoice or celebrate.

To have compassion and empathy. To walk in the other person's shoes, telling them that you are there for them. Truly there.

While their hurt may not be similar to anything that you have experienced, being hurt is universal. Shouldn't care and compassion be universal too?

Unfortunately, it isn't and there are many who choose to remain at arm's length. I am not one of those persons.

I know what it's like to hurt beyond the ability to describe the intensity and excruciating nature of the hurt.

I also know what it's like to be walked past by others who never ask how I am. That hurts too but I don't judge or condemn anyone who may not want to ask the question.

Instead, I make a conscious effort to seek out the lonely, the hurting, the rejected. I choose to stand in the trenches with those who are feeling pain beyond anything they've experienced before.

I choose to be there with them and pray for them when words fail me or my words fail to comfort them and, instead, I sit with them sharing in a dark piece of their world.

I choose to be a compassionate, empathetic, and caring woman because, for me, it's the right thing to do.

At one time, I was a child who loved to play in the mud. Okay, even as an adult, I still love to play in the mud. I don't mind being in the muck or getting dirty.

I don't run or shy away from the messy or the uncomfortable because I've been in the mud of life experiences and the hurt that can erupt out of some of those experiences.

Long ago, I used to be a very off-putting, cold-hearted, and evil-minded woman. Never again. By the grace and love of a good God, I have been saved from that.

As a result of that change, I want to walk alongside those who feel hopeless and frayed. I want to be someone who is never afraid to ask the question...how are you?

So, how are you, really? I want to know. I want to hear from you. Let's talk!

To Hell And Back

Growing up, I knew there was a God and Satan. Good and evil. Heaven and hell.

When I became a Christian, later on in life, I came into a greater understanding of the above and what it all really meant.

When I accepted Jesus into my heart and life, and began a personal relationship with Him and God, my perspective exploded.

Not only did I know and experience evil around me but I knew it wasn't the individual committing evil. It was the heart behind the individual.

As a result of wrong doings committed by Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, everyone born after them would have a heart prone to do wrong rather than right. This wrong is also known as sin.

However, a belief and acceptance of Jesus and all He did, an asking for forgiveness for our wrong doing, and asking Jesus to come into our hearts and lives to help us, would change us to want to do good.

I believe, deep within each of us, is a  desire to do what is good and I believe that there is good in each person even though they might do what is evil or wrong.

God never created evil. God did create each of us and gave us the gift of free will.

Free will would be our tool to choose between what is good and what is wrong or evil.

I used to enjoy doing evil until I came to know Jesus and develop a relationship with Him.

Once I got to know Him and God, I realized that they were good, loving, merciful, gracious, patient, and so much more.

However, I also realized that while I was cultivating this relationship, there was also someone very strong and determined to do everything in his power to stop me from getting closer to God. That someone being Satan or the devil.

Satan used to be good. In fact, he used to be one of God's favored angels until he got prideful and arrogant about his position and wanted, instead, to be God.

As a consequence of the evil or wrong held in Satan's heart, he fell from heaven and ceased to be a member of God's army. So, he forged his own army and became bent on attacking people. Especially those who chose God over himself.

Last week I was attacked. Viciously and relentlessly, for four days. It was hell.

It wasn't an attack on my physical self like assault, rape, or robbery which are equally hellish for anyone who has been a victim of these crimes. The attack, while very personal, was also very real to me. It was an attack on my mind and heart.

One of the things Satan is 'famous' for is being the father of lies. He likes to mess with our heads and hearts to beat us down.

In the Bible, Satan is described as a lion that prowls around looking for someone to devour (destroy). He does this subtly and, often, without our full awareness.

We may think what is happening in us is just a bad day or a foul mood but it's actually Satan working in our minds to think and believe failure, inadequacy, doubt, fear, loneliness, and more.

Working in our hearts to have bitterness, anger, resentment, gossip, grudges, hatred and more toward others.

Often his tactics work. They did on me. I was completely unprepared. So when a small change happened within a situation I was in, I unknowingly opened the door to feelings of rejection and, next thing I knew, my mind and heart became a battleground. My own personal hell.

A hell that Satan used to remind me of all my deep insecurities and fill me with feelings of inadequacy, fear, pity, resentment, anger, and more. For several days, Satan used my weaknesses against me and I became a pool of tears who was barely able to pray.

It took a close friend, who came to my aid, reminding me that because I am a Christian and a follower of Jesus, that Satan wants to stop me from having great things. Great things that God has planned for me.

That Satan will try to stop me any way he can, whether in making me believe I have innumerable faults or that I'm to have ill will in my heart toward myself and others.

I've never been in such excruciating pain like this and I had never felt so alone in my life, while trying to fight against the lies I was struggling not to believe.

As my good friend continued, I became reminded of many things I had forgotten in those days of hell. That God was my strength and my help, that He loved me, that He is good and that He has the very best for me.

In absorbing those words, no truths, I fell to my knees and wept harder than I ever had in my life while praying equally hard for the hell to end and asking God to help me.

It was in those most painful moments and feeling so alone and so abandoned that I suddenly felt the presence of God.

A presence that came in the form of peace and quiet inside of me. A presence that enveloped me in love and said that I would be okay. I felt held.

In my loneliness and darkness, I felt God and Jesus with me and I cried even harder because not only did my girlfriend care enough to help me but God and Jesus, my Creator and His Son, cared even more.

I had been in my own personal hell but God reached down and brought me out of that hell. He loved me and helped me.

This is why I can't and won't go back to my old life. I didn't have help back then. I just kept drowning. I needed help.

Whereas last week, even though I felt like I was drowning, a helping hand reached down and saved me. The hand of God.

I need God, all the time. I can't get through a day without Him. In my loneliness, fear or hurt God is with me and saves me every time.

Who pulls you out of the darkest times of your life, when it feels like hell? Did you know that in addition to being loving, that God is also our helper? I'd like to hear from you! Let's talk!!