In The Grand Scheme Of Things

I've been told that there is nothing quite like becoming a grandparent. While I'm still awaiting the bliss of that, I often get drawn back to the memories of my own grandparents. That's a picture of my Mom's parents, holding me and my sister.

They were the best. I was the closest to my grandfather and he used to tell me that I was his favorite. I bathed in that truth and took it to heart. He had become the center of my world and I loved him dearly.

I felt the most special when I was with him and because he lived far from me, we spent as much time together as possible. During summer break from school, my sister and I would spend time with our grandparents. Sometimes it meant going fishing which included my privileged time of steering the boat. I felt like I was on top of the world.

When he was diagnosed with cancer, I was devastated and panic stricken. I couldn't imagine my life without him. It was one of their trips back from Arizona that they told us of the news. In their retirement years, they spent the winters in Yuma, Arizona. I, often, wanted to go with them.

I don't remember a lot about grandpa's sickness except it stole all the things that made him who he was to me. When he got really bad, we took him into our home and cared for him. That was an exceptionally cherished time for me.

Whenever I wanted to see him, I could. When the cancer got really bad, he could no longer talk. That was really hard to take but it seemed as though I could look into his deep, blue eyes and just know what he was saying to me.

Then, what seemed like in the blink of an eye, he passed away. Shortly before then, he had been transferred to a hospital because we could no longer provide the critical care he needed. I always hoped that he would get better. I mean, what little girl wouldn't hope for that? He was Superman to me and I thought he would fully recover and come knocking on my door. That never happened.

I was so distraught at his passing that I didn't even cry at his funeral. To this day, my sister marvels at how I could have done that. It seems cruel that I didn't but I was beyond tears.

My grandfather was gone - my world was over as far as I knew it. Even as I write this out, I can feel the hurt of losing him all over again. How surreal.

We are never fully prepared to lose a loved one, especially one so close to our hearts. It can devastate our lives and leave us baffled. I was far from being consoled when my grandfather left this world.

I wasn't sure how I would go forward. I truly believe that something changed in me that day to lend to altering the trajectory of my life. Don't ask me how, it just seemed to happen. Things...I just wasn't the same as the years wore on. I became an angry, despondent, and depressed girl.

It's taken a long time, but I finally came to terms with my grandfather's passing and because of having a relationship with God, I believe that I will see him again in heaven. I have learned that in order to get through the grieving process, you first have to give yourself permission to grieve.

I didn't do that as a young girl. Losing someone close can take a long time to overcome. Especially, if that person didn't have a relationship with Jesus. However, I believe that every single person has an opportunity to know the love and goodness of God, not only at any point of their lives but also at the end of it.

I have known God long enough to know that He never gives up on anyone and He will pursue each person who doesn't know Him, in hopes that they will invite Him into their hearts and lives to have an abundant life in Him. That was my hope for my grandfather and is for each person, including you, sweet girl.

Encouragement for the week:

Losing someone close to you isn't easy. Especially, when you have special memories of your time with that person. I understand.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know that there is great comfort and peace in going to Jesus at times of loss. His arms bring rest and assurance, even in the most unsettling of times. Keep running to Him.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. He has the power and love to walk with you through every loss in your life while bringing you peace and comfort beyond your own understanding.

The Cake And I

Me, my birthday cake, and the Hiawatha flyer. Perfection. After having just celebrated another birthday, recently, it's interesting how my perspective about life has changed.

Of course I know that as time passes, I'm getting older, not younger. That realization alone could be depressing but I have chosen to take a different stance. I'm recognizing so many other things.

The little nuances of life that I experienced as that baby girl were lost on me for obvious reasons. I was young, immature, and inexperienced in the issues of life. That's true for everyone.

What makes the difference as a mature woman, and maturing more every year, is that I'm taking notice of the smaller things rather than the bigger because it's the snapshot moments that make the collage.

I have even made a practice of taking the week prior to my birthday and securing inventory of my life from the previous year. Have I changed? Has my life become what I thought it would?

I think we can all admit that life doesn't always take us where we want to go but, then again, did we really know where that was in the first place?

It's reflecting on the past that causes the greatest introspection because, somehow, my life became a train wreck back then with cars of depression, self-destruction, self-hatred, and addictions strewn along the tracks.

While I have been saved from all that by the grace of God, I can't help but think of how many women, like my former self, are still out there. It's a saddening point of contention for me.

Yet, it's that empathy for the hurting girls and women out there that insist I live with intent and compassion. That I reach out when I can to be a hearing ear and a holding hand.

It's to be aware and ready to seize those moments in life that seem small but actually yield the biggest results. Like sitting on a blanket in a park and enjoying a piece of red velvet cake while being surrounded by loved ones.

Like looking into the eyes of a scared girl and telling her it will be okay. That she's not alone, she matters and is loved.

May each of my birthdays be much more than just about me. May you know that you were meant to be a strong and confident young woman, with no concern for the world's opinions.

Encouragement for the week:

Though birthdays come and go, may you recognize the precious meaning behind your special day. You are not a mistake, my sweet girl.

If you are a Christian reading this, you already know that God chose you to bless the world with your birth. Don't let that incredible truth be lost. Celebrate it!

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. He created and chose you for such a time as this. He is waiting for you to ask Him into your heart and life so that you can know the truth of your beauty as His daughter.

Do I Have Something On My Face?

Yes, even back then I was a connoisseur of all things food. I, carefully, examined all the delicacies that met my mouth with scrutiny and the utmost of etiquette. Okay, who are we kidding...I loved food and wore it because it was that good. Not much has changed since then.

I'm not quite sure what it was that I had decimated in that picture, but by the smile on my face, I think it was mighty good. Whether it was a main dish or dessert, that hair plugged infant enjoyed every minute of what she was experiencing. No, I didn't have actual hair plugs but by the light of the camera flash, I look like a very young Albert Einstein in a moment of frenzy.

Often, food can become a comfort when the rest of the world seems to let you down. It can soothe you when your'e grumpy and lift your spirits when you're sad. Grub can be a powerful 'fix all' to the life stuff we perceive to be a bother to us. Some of my comfort foods include spaghetti or a bag of my favorite chips.

Whatever the go-to fare might be, there's just something about chocolate cake for dinner that makes the world go away. In some ways, I wish my addiction was with food and not what they turned out to be - alcohol and sex. Albeit, if there was a choice to be made, no addictions would have been ideal.

Within the, already, complex design of life, addictions are the last things we have in mind. At least, it was for me. I really thought, with stern determination, that my life would be much different than it had become and without any of the sticky webs that can get in the way. Like lack of self-esteem, being rejected, and self-hatred.

You and I were never meant to battle through life like we do but I also wasn't counting on things turning out the way they did growing up. Being an infant was easier, as much as I recall. I was constantly protected because I needed to be carried and looked after, closely. I had to be within arms, eyes, and ears reach of my parents and that was good.

There are just some things that we were not intended to experience or go through but, somehow, we did and those things hurt us...changed us. While we may ponder addictions, in whatever form, to be harmless, they really aren't. Some can be devastating with life long, adverse, effects or life ending consequences. No matter what, we were created for so much more.

The stark contrast between my life now and decades ago, is like a deep draw of fresh air. I can't imagine where I would be if I had continued on my former path of self-destruction. Well, okay, I do know where I would be - six feet under.

So, as much as you think you are a mistake or the self-deprecating things you're doing now won't have long lasting and life changing effects, you are mistaken on both counts. You mean more than you know. You are loved more deeply than you could ever fathom and it is by someone you may not have considered before because no one ever told you about him. He is the reason I am alive today and have fully recovered from the addictions that once haunted me.

So, while I may have that piece of chocolate cake for dinner, once in a while, with remnants showing all over my face, I know that because I stopped long enough to be known and loved by God, that it is why I inhale deeply today. It is my intense experience and close relationship with God that gives me that sigh of relief that says, "I am not the same girl I once was". For that, comes immense gratitude.

Encouragement for the week:

My friend and sweet girl, if there is something in your life that seems to bring you down more than lift you up, it wasn't meant to be a part of your life. Struggles are real, but they don't have to rule you.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know that you were meant for more when you said, "Yes!" to a relationship with Jesus Christ. He has great things in store for you no matter what you are facing, and He can help you overcome all the things that feel overwhelming right now. Call out to God while you keep trusting and obeying Him. You can believe that good will come from the struggle.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. He knows what you are going through. He sees the things you are struggling to get rid of in your life. You don't have to wait to have your life sorted out to come to Him. He will help you overcome everything that is hurting you.

The Mamas And The Papas

No, not the band, but specifically, my Mama and Papa. They look pretty happy in the picture above. So, would it be safe to say that I brought them joy? You bet! Just like you brought elation to your mama and papa.

As a mother myself, there is not greater excitement than seeing your child for the very first time. For me, it was the moment I, genuinely, fell in love. It was an incredible experience that never leaves me and is, often, recalled in moments of quiet reflection.

Being a parent is no small task and as kids, we don't truly appreciate the efforts and sacrifices of our parents until we step into parenthood ourselves. Especially if the pregnancy is unexpected or unplanned. Yet, some of the best things in life are unplanned. My pregnancy was unplanned but one of the greatest blessings in my life.

As an infant, while I wasn't fully aware of what my parents were doing to provide for me, I just knew I was cared for and loved. It didn't take a second thought to love them in return. It was natural and comforting to know I had two parents whose world was focused on my life and well being.

Of course, I didn't fully appreciate my parents, and all they did for me, until I was in my twenties and had my own son. Navigating through motherhood took everything I had as I was dealing with post-partum depression, which brought on a lot of anxiety and panic attacks.

Nonetheless, being a parent is hard work and not for the faint of heart. You become responsible for someone who looks to you to provide everything in his/her life. To love, care for, and protect them in all situations. If that doesn't make you nervous, I'm not sure what would.

Yet, nothing will fill your heart or life more than staring into the eyes of that little human being for the first time and, realizing, they came from you and were formed in your own body. To this day, that reality still blows my mind and I don't take parenthood lightly even though I am past my child bearing years.

Babies and children are to be treasured and, in the Bible, there are many instances when Jesus, the Son of God, would spend time with children, welcoming them into His presence. He loved their innocence, purity, and willingness to trust. It enabled them to come to know Jesus in a special way and recognize they could trust Him completely with their hearts. Having a close relationship with Jesus was like second nature to them. That's why Jesus never turned away a baby or child.

We should conduct ourselves the way Jesus did because too many things in this world can threaten the innocence and purity of a little one. For me, my innocence was lost when I experienced abuse by the hands of someone I knew at a very young age. While this life event is something I will address in a future post, I can tell you it changed me in ways I could have never anticipated.

Encouragement for the week:

My friend, was your innocence protected growing up? I truly hope so. If not, I'm very sorry and I understand. Our parents do their very best but can't always be where the threat exists.

While there is no reasonable excuse why that bad thing happened, I can tell you that it will become a part of your unique story and only you will be able to bring healing and wholeness to others because of it. You will help others just as I hope to.

If you are a Christian reading this, you know that your value, identity, and purpose lies in God. He watches over you at all times, from the moment He formed you, until now, whether that is as a young girl, teen, or mature woman. You are not a mistake and no matter what you have gone through or if bad things have happened in your life, you can trust God with your heart.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him and all the truths He possesses about you. No matter what has happened in your life, you are not a mistake. You are loved and you can find true security and care in a relationship with Jesus Christ. There is no other way.

My Sistah From The Same Mistah

There she is...my sistie. Born in October of 1970, she patiently awaited my arrival even though I'm not sure she really wanted a sibling or not. Yet, there I was and there we are in the photo above. I'm still five months old and it's still my first Christmas.

For some, a sibling can bring a cornucopia of emotions. For siblings can mean so many things. They can torment, tease, or protect. They can love, manipulate, or ignore.

Whatever the case may be, brothers and sisters become a part of a bigger family picture. They can also bring a certain dynamic to an, already, complicated marriage if it's challenging.

For me, it meant someone to play with and look up to. She was taller than me, after all. However, knowing my loyalty to her was stronger than to my parents, you may be thinking it was used to her advantage. It was.

Nonetheless, she would always be my sister and having a relationship with her was important. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't smooth sailing at all times.

There were times when I hated her and other times when I missed and embraced her. We didn't always see eye to eye but we did agree to disagree when it happened.

There were instances when we didn't talk for years or fought every time we talked. So, it goes without saying that our youngest years together were the simplest and there is no one who has your back like your brother or sister. Just don't expect that to happen overnight.

All that being said, I have a great relationship with my sistie today. We've never been closer. It takes time to harvest good relationships. Who knew the toughest to produce would be within your own family.

In the Bible, which is considered to be the living word of God, talked about how Jesus, the Son of God, was rejected by those closest to Him, yes even His own family. Yet, that rejection and persecution never stopped Jesus from loving them.

So, my dear friend, when things in your family life get you down and the relationship with your brother or sister are making you crazy, don't let it stop you from loving them - openly or secretly. Down the road, it's that love that will bring you to a better place with them. No matter what they did to you.

Encouragement for the week:

Being young and at odds with your brother or sister can be tough. Especially when you are already fighting against some things in your life. I understand.

You are a beloved daughter and of precious value. Don't allow others to define your worth.

If you are a Christian reading this, God created you to be a unique girl and woman in Christ. The world never has a say over who you are, for God already made it so when He formed you. You are beautiful. Let it shine.

If you are not a Christian reading this, you can look for Jesus and you will find Him. He holds the truth about you in Him. As you reach out for Him, He will tell you who you really are and empty you of all the lies this world tries to tell you.