Monday, October 17, 2016
Last week I wrote a post in line with Thanksgiving Day and expressing several of the things in my life that I am thankful for.
Since that post, I have felt like God wants me to go so much more deeper and talk about something that I am scared to talk about.
So, I have a confession to make. Remember one of the things I mentioned I was thankful for was singleness?
Well, I'm not thankful for my singleness. I don't like being single. At times, I hate being single.
If you would have asked me ten or fifteen years ago if I ever wanted to be married again, I would have loudly laughed in your face while fervently saying, "No freakin' way!"
I was living life 'freely' without consequence and with quite a bit of malice while enjoying my many freedoms of being single.
I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, I never had to answer to ANYONE, and I never had to get permission to do what I wanted. It was nirvana, even though I'm not a Buddhist. Hahahaha
I was pretty confident that my hard heart and selfish ways were a strong confirmation that I was meant to be single and fancy free and I was more than okay with that.
Well, when I came to know God and Jesus Christ within a personal relationship, nine and a half years ago, things quickly began to change.
The biggest change happened in my heart and the hardness of it was being chipped away to reveal a heart I never knew existed.
Along with discovering I was a very emotional woman with the capacity to love BIG on people, I was also coming into a knowledge that my attitude toward my status was being transformed.
I went from coveting my single status to disliking it and wanting to do away with it as quickly as possible.
Thing is, it didn't cause me to set up profiles in a myriad of dating sites. I never went speed dating.
I actually didn't do much to move into the dating scene at all even though several people were telling me I should.
I'm not completely sure why but a part of me was suggesting caution. Thinking back to that time, I'm pretty sure it was God cautioning me.
After all, this was new to me and the feelings and emotions tied into no longer wanting to be single were strong and steady and it scared me.
It scared me to think about marriage. It scared me to think that my heart was now desiring marriage, not singleness.
It still amazes me today to think that only a couple months after becoming a Christian, I wanted marriage and I was more and more sure of that each day.
So, not only do I feel that God wants me to go deeper with my blog, but He also wants me to go into my confession...my struggle with singleness, deeper.
I don't know what that means for the weeks ahead but there it is. Out loud, on paper, and COMPLETELY vulnerable about my unwanted status.
Perhaps by processing this out loud, to you, I'll gain a greater understanding of my status. Maybe I'll eventually be at peace with it until marriage.
I really don't know but what I do know, right now, is that I need to find contentment in where I am or I'll never be content.
So, to be continued! Thanks for reading! I'd like to hear from you, whether single or married! Let's talk!