Monday, August 8, 2016
Who Am I?
I am what I do, what I own, and who I'm dating. I am a sex addict, alcoholic, and drug user. I am suicidal, hate filled, and profane. These are some of the answers I would have given to the question, "Who am I?", over 20 years ago. It was a 15 year period of deep darkness in which my personal goal was to destroy myself. I was hurting and very angry.
I was also dying. On the inside. Of mind, heart, soul, and spirit and I needed an intervention. One which I had decided would come in one of two ways; driving my car into a pole or drinking myself to death. I couldn't take much more of the pain that was consuming me and what I, realistically, was inflicting on myself.
Well, nine years and three months ago my intervention came. It wasn't by my own hands nor was it packaged as a group of friends who were waiting to confront me at my home with a suitcase packed for rehab. I had no friends. No, it was a combination of years of my mother's faithful prayers, an all-knowing and good God, and the caring heart of a new and special friend that collided the afternoon of May 6, 2007, that set me on a course to recovery. It wasn't in the traditional ways of AA or Sex Addicts Anonymous. It was what I can only describe as being supernatural.
An intervention that quickly turned my world upside down as I entered a place of unconditional love, peace, and joy that I had never before experienced. A place that brought me face to face with the ones I had spent most of my life running from. The ones being God and Jesus Christ. I had rejected them, cursed them, and avoided them at all costs. I even verbally attacked anyone who dared to talk to me about them.
Turns out the ones I spent most of my adult life avoiding were the very ones I needed the most. As I entered this foreign territory of a relationship with God and Jesus, a time of healing began. The very things I thought defined love; sex, control, manipulation and self-abuse concerning men, were torn away and replaced with the truth and knowledge of a real love. A pure love, that could only come from a perfect source that was God through His Son, Jesus.
Soon the ideas, dispositions, and lies I had spent so many years feeding on and believing were blown to pieces and I felt as though I had been set free. Free to be me, the real me. The true me. Someone who, while imperfect and in need of help, became someone who now stands firm on the truth that I am welcomed all the more in my imperfection. Welcomed by God and showered with His truth.
The truth that I am loved and worth loving. That I am beautiful, precious, protected, and accepted for exactly who I am. No. Matter. What. It's what God sees in me that I have come to believe, not the inconsistent and harmful 'truths' of this world. I am so much more than what the world says that I am.
And SO ARE YOU!!! You, yes YOU, are all these same truths! Loved, cherished, and adored! My creator God knows exactly who you are, the true you, the beautiful you and His truths are far beyond all the lies you've been fed for too long. The truths that, I have come to discover, can only be found in a relationship with God and His Son Jesus Christ.
So, who are you? What are the things you have come to believe about yourself? What are the things the world has said or people around you have said that you have believed to be true? Let's talk!! I would love to hear from you!