Thursday, July 7, 2011

My Mis-Understanding

My heart was heavy as I came into my personal devotion time this morning, outside on the stage area of the base. The place I've chosen to do my morning personal devotion time each day. I didn't understand why I was feeling so heavy hearted with things like unrighteousness, hurt and rejection. I had no reason for feeling these things.

As my personal time ended and I headed to the classroom for the morning session, the feelings continued. The topic our speaker had begun yesterday, continued. The topic of love. The love of God and how that love manifests itself in us and in our lives to increase our own love for others around us (friends, family) and for our eventual spouses.

Within this topic of love our speaker began to explore some of the perversions of love that the world has made not only available to anyone who wants it but the same perversions that have made many believe that it's completely acceptable to access these same perversions. Things like pornography and prostitution. These perversions are born of hurt and pain and can become a disease to not only those to buy it but also to those who supply it.

Our speaker went on to say that God promises to redeem us from past sexual hurts, no matter what they might be. It was, literally, seconds after she said that that God spoke clearly to my heart. He said, "I want to heal you of your past hurts, the sexual hurts." The tears started to flow as our teacher continued. I couldn't stop them, they just kept coming. I was face to face with something that I thought I had healed from years ago, but God knew otherwise.

See, before I became a Christian, I spent most of my adult life seeking love from the wrong place, men. My definition of love at that time was sex. I didn't feel loved unless I was involved, on a physical level, with a man. And there were a lot of men. I was living the life of a prostitute without ever taking a dime for my 'services'. My self-worth was so low and my self-hate so high, that I didn't care. As long as I was being 'loved' by a man, I was okay. I was accepted, not rejected. I was needed, not denied. I was messed up.

After I became a Christian four years ago, all my wrongs were erased. I was redeemed and forgiven. I was made new and whole but my misunderstanding of love remained right up until today. Today was my breaking point when God's revelation struck me like a Mac truck. I had not been healed from my past sexual hurts like I thought I had just because I accepted Jesus as my Savior. I had not been completely renewed from my ill perception of love like I thought I had when I chose to follow God. Not even close.

The more our speaker spoke of God's truth about REALLY knowing God's love in order to exhibit godly love to your spouse in the RIGHT way, the more I cried and the clearer God's voice said, "I want to heal you. I want to make you whole. I want to redeem those past hurts." I didn't even hesitate when I said, "Okay, God. Yes." The tears came again.

One of my roommates was sitting next to me and asked me if I was okay, I looked at her and said, "No." Then I began to tell her about my past and what God was speaking to me through our teacher's message. My roommate prayed for me and I let the tears flow freely. Before this, everyone in the classroom had left for a break and it was just her and I. Moments after she began praying, the teacher came into the classroom and then joined us in prayer. She prayed over me once my roommate was done and my crying became more intense. She affirmed that it was okay for me to grieve, which I knew I was doing.

As the praying continued, I felt the peace and comfort of God come into me like a wave and the crying began to subside even though the grief was very much there, almost tangible. I need to grieve, God commands us to grieve. It pains me to know how much of my soul was carelessly given away to so many who never really cared about me. Who only cared about the temporary pleasure of something that left me empty and unfulfilled.

So now, I wait for the LORD to call me to healing of this past hurt. No, I EAGERLY wait for the LORD to call me to healing. I know I need this, I need to dive deep into God to see His love revealed so that I can know the RIGHT definition of love. So that I can be redeemed and made whole, to be sanctified and prepared for that time when I can love freely and serve my husband joyfully, and he to me. Amen.

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